Micah

His name was Micah.

Well, sort of. You see, something happened a year ago, June 16, 2022, that I’ve only talked about with my husband, kids, and one trusted friend. On that day, I had a second miscarriage. Again, it was way too early to know the gender, but I had the thought “a boy named Micah” pop into my head some time later, so that’s what I call him. I’d like to think Meg would approve.

It took a long time to fully grasp what happened. First of all, it was supposed to be impossible. (Apparently, it’s only “rare”.) Add in the fact that my kids, at the time, ranged in age from 17-24 and my husband and I were/are pushing 50, and to say it was all a surprise is putting it extremely mildly.

But it happened. And now I have two little ones waiting for me in Heaven.

I have had many days when I’ve curled into a ball and wept until I had no tears left. I’ve gone from despair to anger and back again more times than I can count. I have asked alllll of the “why” questions and then some. The questions that plague me most, though, are “how” questions. They’re the same ones that are still unanswered from when we lost Meg.

How can I miss someone — someone that I never even met — this much?

I never got the chance to be excited about the future. I never got to hold my baby in my arms. I was never able to breathe in that sweet baby smell or marvel at tiny hands or a toothless smile. So how is it possible that I miss Micah, and Meg, so very much? How did those two little ones leave the same kind of emptiness inside that my mom did? How can it hurt this much?

There are some questions in this life that we will never know the answer to — at least not on this side of Heaven. As someone who doesn’t really have much patience with cliffhangers, this is something I’ve struggled to learn to live with. But I know I will eventually get the answers I’m looking for. Someday.

Until then, I like to imagine Mom taking care of Meg and Micah for me, until I can be with them myself. Until then, I know that God is in control, even when things happen as a result of living in a fallen world. Until then, I will laugh, cry, love, and live on. And I will continue to miss my babies every single day.

Even if we never did get to meet.